I think I'm quite screwed, because I just realised I don't know how to live without you anymore.

Edit: WTF the distressed cat looks like it's on shrooms/weed/equivalent.

I now have the wild notion running through my head where at the end of it all we'll make a promise to meet on the Empire State Building in 7 years time on a certain date (maybe your birthday?) if you still want me as much then as much as you do now and vice versa. Leave the whole thing up to fate and all of that jibjabbedy mess, where we'd have fulfilled the commitments that we know will take us away from each other and be free to live our lives as it should be.

One day I'll tell you. I promise.

I fear I might have made another big mistake again, a beautiful beautiful mistake that means so much to me that it hurts.

Looks like I'm starting to build castles in the sky again~

and the feeling couldn't be more thrilling!

visited 13 states (5.77%)
Create your own visited map of The World or try another Douwe Osinga project

I evidently need a better way to spend my Christmas nights.

(For the first time ever, a cross posted post! Because I figure one of the intent recipients of this will check his LJ friends page more than the other blog)

Tomorrow I leave for the Philippines. This means that while I am off gallivanting with my classmates, trying to preserve the last dregs of this thing called Classmates, others will be checking into National Service. This means that people like Yeang and Song Yeong will be pretty much absent from my life/msn for the next few months - the forerunners to when the rest of my friends will disappear come early Jan.

The knowledge of this partly terrifies me, but mostly fills me with sadness. Coming from a school where the guys outnumbered females 4 to 1, that's like EVERYONE going in. It doesn't help that I have mostly chosen these people over my old class/schoolmates from MGS.

It must seen quite absurd for me to be worrying and getting distressed over such a thing seeing that I'm not the one who has to suffer by going for NS, yet the idea of almost everyone I hold dear to my heart disappearing from my life overnight scares me. Oh no! It is too soon, too soon! I am not the least bit mentally prepared for all that is going to happen over the next month or so. I don't want to grow up and have to let go. I don't want to be left behind!

But in the meantime: all the best to your NS foray Yeang/Song Yeong, and I'll see you come 6th Jan [ ): ].

Just finished off the 2nd part of my main post on the thechartreusetiger, and I'm frankly quite tired and would like to rest.

I came back from Cambodia yesterday, yet I cannot help but miss the place already. I miss the children, and honestly I regret making promises that I don't know if I can keep or not - that I would come back and see them again. It's not that I don't want to see them again, I do! It's just that as of now my life is so unknown, and I know I am such an unpredictable character. I don't even know my own future, much less be able to fully guarantee that I can see them again.

That and the people I've met in the duration of the trip. People who I never talked to or met during normal school days have become friends fast (well, spending about 10+ hours together everyday does that to you). Yet there is the knowledge I am unlikely to see them again in the future, with school gone and all.

Such knowledge and realisation fills me with a great feeling of loss.

I can't bear to face her anymore because of the things she doesn't know, and the things that I do. It gives me gulty-panic attacks at night.

I think I recognise today how much I want to go to O. University. And I'm going to do my best to fight for it >.<

IB exams in 5 days, gogogogogo!

Sigh, why is it I can never quit you?

There is a scene in the ending of the movie He Loves Me... He Loves Me Not where the caretakers of the psychiatric hospital release Audrey Tatou's character - deeming her to have recovered from her erotomania. They then move to clear up her room. When the bookcase is moved, it turns out to be been concealing a mosaic made out of thousands of pills of the man she's obsessed over. The cleaner shakes his head and starts destroying the mosaic and the movie ends with her skipping off in the distance, undoubtedly thinking of her 'lover'.

I wonder if this will soon happen to me, and the massive amounts of shopping I have done to alleviate my stress that I have sitting at my aunt's place in the USA.

It could be so easy to go on and on about my very long list of failings and negative points. So easy to tell myself that I should forget things because I don't deserve them. So easy to think of how all parties would be so much happier if I was never around.

So why then do I try to fight thinking this way when I already do?

You, dear person, are my doom.

Help. Everything is in a mess. My room is exploding with papers and books and bags and random shit, and my school file is exploding with random shit.

I feel overwhelmed by the mess and ready to snap at any moment.

I don't really get how I can be simultaneously OCD and messay at the same time.

I am filled with an sense of immense longing:

- longing to hurry up and fulfill my goals
- longing to be able to fulfill my goals
- longing to fall in love
- longing for IOC to hurry up and get itself over with
- longing for the itch on my leg to go away

Aye.

ARGH I'm going it again! I'm going about surfing random websites and not doing work. Help me! I wasted an entire day yesterday doing absolutely nothing in particular and I still have the 80% of Internal Oral Commentary left to study for.

This does not bode well.

Sometimes when I am unable to think of the appropriate response I should have towards an event or something, I pretend I am reading a book and that I'm the heroine in the story. Then I think about my responses as a reader towards this character and her characterisation.

http://www.geocities.com/biologyib/

A very good and useful website with IB Biology Notes!

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And yes, I have been watching Gundam Seed Destiny reruns on Kids Central.

I always believe that life is one big battle, and we have to keep on fighting in order to live.

But I must also learn to recognise when sometimes there are certain things that are not worth fighting and dying for, and learn how to let them go.

I've just finished with my World Literature 2 Essay, which is good because hand up is at 2pm today.

However just as I finished printing World Lit 1 I noticed that I made an error in the footnoting: I forgot to change the year from 2002 to 1990. ARGHR*&C (%*YU*$(C$X*)(#$N(#)ZI.

This is like how when I had to hand up my History Internal Assessment I noticed I neglected to Justify the entire text and had to go reprint three copies of everything. My History Extended Essay (4,000 words) was much less accident prone, but with every draft (7 in total) I had to print out the lot of 12+ pages.

Like Arj says, IBO's carbon footprint is mindblowing.

I really hate writing essays. When I get stuck on some point that's floating about my head that I am unable to articulate or when I get stuck and am unable to rectify some point of criticism, my auto response is to do something else. This something else is usually either the loading of some random game that I cannot win like Solitaire or Minesweeper or worse - the loading of Mozilla Firefox where I proceed to do rubbish online for an inordinately long proportion of time, like now.

OMG MY WORLD LIT ESSAYS ARE DUE TOMORROW AND THEY STILL SUCK.

Help.